Snow White and the Huntsman - Spoiler Alert

Well I have just watched a film so epically bad that I felt it deserved a blog, breaking my American story chain which is in fact quite tragic. So being a girl we all love a good fairy tale even if its dark and moody. The film had potential, if it wasn't a recreation of the journey through the mountains in Lord of the Rings. I kept expecting to see Gandolf crop up and tell them that they could not pass. Am I being biased. Maybe, but I had a witness with me. So as with most movies you see the trailer and get excited. As it was going off the cinema soon I had date night with my oldest friend who was just as excited to watch the movie as myself. Excited to see Charlize Theron and Kirsten Stewart not be awkward Bella, and the man candy, we sat down with our coke, popcorn and sweets. The trailers were really bad - who writes the shit people are turning into films these days?! So that should have been our first clue. The movie started off well, all tradional like the fable you have heard since childhood. And then Snow White escapes the castle - this is where shit got real. Literally. She wades through the sewer filled with what we assume - and is confirmed later on in the movie - of crap and comes to the edge of a high cliff with rough waves breaking against the rocks. Our first thought was, she will be fine, she has done this before (New Moon when Bella cliff dives.) She lands in the water and somehow doesn't get smooshed against the rocks. Here we waited for Edward or the werewolves to save her. Disappointed she got herself out the bay and found a horse - yes beautiful white horses sit next to abandoned rocks by bays, didn't you know?? And the chase begins. By now we are vowing we will not compare this to Twilight. She gets lost in the dark overgrown forest and passes out. Were we wondering if she would wake up alive - nah the werewolves would find her and take her back to Charlie - wait! Wrong movie. So Kirsten Stewart sleeps in yet another wet, dark forest to wake up and continue running. Unfortunately she is being chased now and caught. Blahdy blahdy predictable fishpaste she gets away with the huntsman. Now focussing on the title we assume he's going to be important. Magic forest but huntsman. Not dwarfs. Wrong again! I found one similarity, Bashful. Wait two, the guy with the cataracts I assumed was Doc. Carrying on this boring story they walk through the mountains to find the duke. I was just waiting for Gollum to jump out shouting "My Precious" as now we had our hobbits along with our fastedious journey through vacant mountains in desolate conditions. Disappointed again. The dukes son finds them and helps take them back to where they are staying. Now William the dukes son is no Edward but is introduced to us as the potential love interest (Chris Hemsworth is a drunk who feels sorry for himself so clearly the viewer must appeal to dapper and not surly and clumsily intoxicated). Cue awkward kiss. Let the stereotype begin. When directors are casting clearly they have a checklist. And clearly said checklist correlated with Twilights. #1 must look in pain and close eyes often - Kirsten Stewart check. #2 must make inappropriate and strange noises in appropriate times that make no sense - Kirsten Stewart check. #3 must kiss actors whilst having the look of knife to throat like it physically hurts - Kirsten Stewart check. #4 awkward and unsure - Kirsten Stewart check. In full, a character which is supposed to be portrayed as a hero, as confident. Fails dismally as we watch her look on edge like a vampire is going to bite her. When Snow White takes a bite of the poisoned apple after said awkward kiss with introduced love interest she begins to choke and die. The performance was eerily familiar to when Bella gets bitten by James in Twilight and the vampire venom is going through her veins. Totally believable. Yep. Ok. So cue the sad upset duke who goes to kiss her because we kiss people when they dead, its not like CPR could save them. And we watch them bring her to the kingdom, and lay her on a shrine. Here she is suddenly clean and well groomed for the first time in the movie. So much so I assumed she was going into her transition to vampire like in Breaking Dawn. The drunk huntsman then comes to talk to her body and kisses her - for why I don't know because the director has made no sort of connotation of affection between these two characters and hurrah she wakes. She does her stand up for your rights they can't take us speech (anybody else feel like they living a twilight scene from somewhere in Eclipse) and march into the kingdom armed and on horses. For someone who has been locked in a tower suddenly she knows how to wield a knife. Charlize Theron is flawless as the queen. She is graceful and fluid as she beats the crap out of Kirsten Stewart. But of course the queen must die. And here is a perfect example of why she won an oscar. One of the only believable scenes in the movie. Her death scene. At the end Snow White is crowned. She looks in pain and awkward with tears in her eyes. The dukes son and the dwarves are there. Everyone hails her as queen but only when she lays eyes on the huntsman does she have a smile. Then the movie ends. What a disappointment. It was the biggest anticlimax yet and left you wondering, what were they trying to achieve in this movie and with that ending?! A sequel?! Not interested. The saving grace of this movie was my friend and her amazing sense of humour as we commented throughout. Wait for someone to download it, rather then paying rental fee. And be prepared to see Bella (sorry Snow White) give a lackluster performance.