How to be a South African Tourist in an American Country the FINAL installment

So after all these days at home I have gotten into my blog again. My only form of expression as of now it seems. So let me give you the last instalment of my American adventure. This could have also been classified as the mad rush to try fit EVERYTHING in, time flies when you’re having fun and all that jazz. Anyway.

So on Monday Karen needed to go into Miami to clean the boat and as she had organised a new and reliable day worker I was going to be dropped at the Miami Seaquarium to wonder around until she finished  and met up with me at lunchtime – cue my first tourist alone in this semi foreign country moment. As it was the aquarium I was stoked anyhow, if you know me you know I’m a sucker for animals and the slippery kind. Expect snakes. Naught. So as I paid my so worth it $42 to go in I was given a map of the park. And I tell you I officially know I lost that 5% of my matric exam paper on mapwork – doh. What is amazing about Miami seaquarium is that they have shows ALL day so in between walking around you really get to see and interact with the animals. So I arrived just in time to look at some of the fish tanks (which I wasn’t as impressed with as the ones in Orlando) and made my way up to the first dolphin show of the day. Now what I learned about VERY late was that when the area says “splash zone” what they really mean is better hope your t-shirt isn’t white or see-through. The dolphins were quite cute doing tricks that they were learning in time to music and disgustingly perky blonde American girls. And of course because it was such a hot day the dolphins cooled us down nicely and off we went to carry on around this delightful park. The next show was Salty the Sea lion who was going to teach us to reduce, reuse and recycle. It was precious and I loved watching the tricks. They slid down slides, posed for us, “saved” a “drowning” swimmer and interacted with his mom, what was truly amazing was when they slid along the edges of the pool and joined in a heart shaped kiss in the middle, close enough that you could touch them. Oh and of course grabbing the hose pipe and spraying the crowd. Dam splash zones but I was determined to be as close as possible. Moving on out of the act area you got to see sea lions and seals lazing around in the rocky pools enjoying all the attention. Around this area there was a garden area filled with exotic birds, flamingos, cockatoo’s, African greys, macaws to name a few. You could interact and walk between the birds left in the open to talk and show off to the interested visitors. There was also a built pond that was filled with rays which you could put your hand in and touch. So I may have never dived with them but I’ve got to see them up close and touch them. The next show I went to watch was the Flipper the dolphin show. Yup, thee Flipper. The one from the movie. That came out about the time Free Willy and the range of sea animal movies came out. Turns out these famous dolphins you see in the movies are trained and cared for at Miami Seaquarium and their tricks and talent were unbelievable, then danced, they surfed, they jumped and clapped and spoke to us. They cooled off our overheated bodies. AND they did the limbo – dolphin style, they jumped over the rope. And of course Flipper was amazing at his game and he jumped the highest with the rope waaaaaaaaaaaay up in the air. I’m a kid at heart I will admit that I was tickled pink! Well theoretically red because I was sunburnt.  By now I was STARVING and slightly lost. I was waiting for the main highlight, Lolita the Killer Whale and the white bellied Atlantic dolphin show. So after walking myself in a circle twice in a bid to find food – I had found drinks. Refillable coke is amazing, let’s just be honest!! Got me a pizza and stalked the whale tank because I WAS going to get the best seat possible. After scarfing my lunch in line the doors were opened and we were allowed inside and all I can say is WOW. If you have ever been to the aquarium and thought that dolphins are beautiful, you need to see a killer whale up close and personal. This was my highlight! Watching the dolphins interact with their trainers and Lolita was something special. I think what also made these shows worthwhile is that you see the love and adoration the trainers and the animals have with each other. Lolita did flips and dives for us stopping occasionally to steal a kiss from her trainer. She also balanced upright while her trainer stood on her nose high up in the air and it was just truly beautiful. For me my $42 got spent there and if she had just swum around like a boring old fish I would have been satisfied. And of course Lolita the whale had to give us a splash too. That was not a splash, that was a tsunami. The stands beside me decided they were EXTRA hot and wanted to be cooled down again and they were delighted when Lolita focused her splash on them. However the girl sitting in front in her wheelchair seemed less than impressed at the unavoidable drenching she got due to being movemently challenged. To this day all I can hear is Brigitte half dying laughing when I told her that story. At this time Karen arrived so we started to do another victory lap around the park. We stopped in and saw the Florida manatees. How do I describe a manatee?!  Well they look like potato shaped hippos with no legs. Or arms. Just a potato. Somewhat boring but I wasn’t ever going to see one of those at home so I enjoyed the experience. They are also endangered so you never know, the next time I get to America I may not get to see them again. We went and watched them feed the sharks. I decided their little sharks were wussy sharks when compared to the spectacular species we get in South Africa. Give me a man eating shark any day. We then found the turtles and they were huge! They were also randy little buggers!!! Nature at its best we got to watch two getting it on sans Barry White and scented candles and randomly by the turtles was a deer.  Right.  As Karen had her amazing camera and waterproof camera with her I opted to go and watch all the shows again because I had loved them so much the first time. Eventually I was sunburnt, tired and my legs were sore BUT in true Kathleen fashion I stopped in at the gift store and went bananas! It was in fact the first reasonably priced store! And then home we went. After a relax on the couch, some homemade dins, a little research for the next days adventure and a refreshing shower it was bedtime and I was pooped.

Right, so on Tuesday things went slightly pear-shaped on former plans. Karen had to work but as it was a BEAUTIFUL sunny hot day in Florida I decided to take advantage of the pool and all of Paul’s pool toys. In between hot pockets, beer, sun, swim and naps the day drew on. We had decided – well I had suggested and my wishes had of course come true – on authentic Mexican food (eat your heart out Taco Zulu, tastes better and takes a quarter of the time). Karen arrived home to Paul and I in the pool, she and Bosco joined in.  Try as I might to unsurp Paul from the cool pool floaty thing, I did not. And then, gasp! I decided we should do something extreme in Florida – the joke was let’s get our noses pierced. Together. As a cousin bonding moment. I had been drinking. I was told no way buuuuuut we all know me, where there is a will there is a way and I was highly motivated. Then after dinner we were going to hit The Hard Rock Cafe for a little gambling. Or culture. Whichever we found first. Dinner was down the road and it was divine. Really I’m sure I have a bit of Asian in me. The curry, the spicy, the carbohydrates. The need to work. I however did not get the aneroxia gene. Mexican fried black beans forever change my life again and again. The highlight of supper was Karen ordering the vegetarian burrito. With a little bit of chicken. To said immigrant this meant that Karen had in fact ordered the chicken burrito. She did not get vegetables. Full and incredibly happy off we went. The Hard Rock cafe is like a maze. Its huge, its loud, its colourful. It is covered in song lyrics by different people and bands so all the epic favourites sing through your head as you walk around the whirring, buzzing and ringing noise going on inside. We decided to take a walk around the little shop area where they had comedy theatres and all the pubs and clubs which happened later on in the evening. The first shop I spied of course, was a tattoo parlour, so in I went to get a quote on a nose piercing. $40 and slightly gobsmacked once converted to South African Rands and slightly ill at the idea of a needle through my nose we meandered along looking in at all the overally priced boutiques. I came upon a bar aptly named “The Tequila Ranch.” This brought on a bout of home sicknesses due to all my fond “memories” of tequila so with a snap and intentions to tag everyone so they knew they were thought of I carried on snooping in and out. Throughout this walk Karen tried her best to talk me out of the nose piercing I was deciding on. Probably due to the fact that she had to explain to my mom that I was indisposed the week before after getting riproaringly drunk she wanted to try get me back home in as big a piece as possible. We decided on going for a corona in the casino’s bar. The tables were amazing. Stripper legs with a table top on them. Here we discussed some of my favourite things about the trip. And Karen and Paul’s impending bundle of joy (She’s sure to pop soon enough so yes, if I didn’t say it before, KAREN IS WITH CHILD) and we got onto a favourite topic of baby names. During this conversation we did realise the social differences between America and South Africa in regards to naming your child and further on how your child would uphold this name in school etc etc. Things got a bit tense so to completely change the subject I decided it was time to get my nose pierced. As I had mentioned before, Karen wasn’t too keen on this idea, but Paul was all for it so I said lets gooooo and get it done. Kathleen – 1, Karen – 0. Definitely the best $40 I’ve ever spent I didn’t feel a thing. To this day my dad has still not noticed the sparkly piece of jewellery that now lives in my nose. As we left I smsed my mom to tell her the good news. As it was about 9pm in Florida my mom was still fast asleep so I thought that would be a fun little wake up message. I couldn’t wait to see the reply.

My mom thought it was a late April fools joke until I uploaded a picture of my nose and facebook and tagged her. Not quite the reaction I was hoping for but I would take it. Wednesday, our next adventure was to drive to the Everglades in Naples. Armed with the TomTom and the hopes of not ending up in completely the wrong place we headed up to Billies Swamp Safari. It was the most disappointing drive ever. I think the 200km of Karoo desert has more character. Then again that could just be me being biased. We finally found our way into the Indian reservation where the establishment was located. Here is the trip varied from the Karoo. Instead of your regular cow, horse, dog roadkill, we were blessed with alligator roadkill. And where there is roadkill there are buzzards. So the drive in became a bit grotesque. We finally got to the booking farm?? Where there were surprisingly many people with the same idea as ourselves. We purchased an airboat ride. I was pretty excited for this because you see it in the movies and the whole being that close to an alligator thing was kind of cool and risky. Please note, it is hot, smelly, full of bugs and you have to wear earplugs. After what felt like an eternity and spotting a random gator waiting around for someone to drop something we were placed into not the safest sort of contraction where our weight needed to be shared etc for bouyancy. The ride started and it was a slow descent into steamy swamp/foresty type conditions. The worst part was probably being sprayed by the icky water but a fun experience none the less. In this tour we were privileged enough to see many water buffalo and bush pigs, most in the water blocking our way and making sure we knew the inconvenience we put them through to move out our way. We saw no alligators... After the short ride we took a walk around the farm seeing some authentic red Indian things and had lunch at the restaurant. Amazing burger and fries and probably the only meal I ever finished along with my ridiculously huge like 1 litre refillable Coke, we made tracks back to Fort Lauderdale, absolutely buggered from the sun. I also had a few purchases to make for friends so I got those done at the same time whilst realising there wasn’t much time left with my other family. The rest of Wednesday was chilled. Karen and I spent it watching her home video dvds she had made and finally we owned up to the fact I needed to get another bag so I could start my packing.

Thursday I started going through all my things and my word there was a lot of stuff! While Karen went to work I went about destroying all evidence of newly purchased things such as slips, tags, plastic wrapping and boxes, anything customs could possibly nail me with. It took forever as I entered the states with a mere 7kgs of luggage and was now leaving with what I assumed was close on 30kgs. Poptarts got me through this awful endeavour and the promise of cherry Garcia Ben and Jerrys for later. At lunchtime Karen and Chantal came and fetched me and we went to Weston to Chantal’s jeweller. I was going to buy some Pandora for my mom and I. A couple of hours and hundreds of dollars later we all walked out looking like the cat who got the canary and admiring our new arm candy. It was decided that we wouldn’t be going to Boca Raton as my credit card had had enough pressure for one day and Karen and I would enjoy sort of our last not so frantic night together. I helped her get stock for the boat and got my promised ice cream. Another very chilled day but I was just happy for every moment I had left to spend with Karen. Next problem we encountered was the need for a scale so off we went to Craig and Chantal to borrow one. I brought along the caramel vodka I had been threatening to introduce them too as my parting gift. Here we had some laughs eating Lindt easter eggs and socking back neat vodka. I introduced Craig to something tasty and was later blamed for the headache that ensued. I told him it was absolutely worth it! While they went to Boca we went back home to ice cream, home cooked meals and the taste of trying to convert whatever the scale said into Metric. We were resting up because tomorrow was THE day. Miami beach.

I woke up early and excited that I was finally going to go and walk the streets of the rich and famous. Karen hadn’t really done this downtown tour so we did our research and saved the addresses into the Tom Tom hoping yet again it wouldn’t take us to the wrong side of Miami. Trying to find parking in Miami is tedious and especially on Washington Avenue and the parking metres scared us so we found a spot in sort of the general location of where we were headed and decided to walk. This was big for me as the running joke was Karen driving between opposite sides of the shopping complexes. So we hit tracks in search of celebrities and breakfast whilst trying to keep an eye out for DASH and MIAMI INK. One thing about Miami is that everyone is an exhibitionist. And Miami only really wakes up at 11am! So we got to look in all the boutiques and I got to pant over the dicounts. I still regret not buying the $10 hooker shoes I thought were amazing, but really I had put Karen through enough. We found a dog boutique called “Le Petit” where they had miniature handbag dogs in the window and all the clothes and accessories one would need to have her own bonafided Tinkerbell! We found Dash which wasn’t open but this let me have my own personal photo session whilst not looking like an absolute tool in front of staff and employees and we walked all the up to the beach road and what was known as the art deco district. Here there are many roadside cafe restaurants which are all very upmarket. We decided to have breakfast in “News Cafe” and no not the one at Suncoast Casino but a little hangout for the rich and well to do. After finally having my bagel and cream cheese and watching in awe as people downed glasses of champagne and orange juice before breakfast has arrived, I realised I was in a whole different little bubble of judgement. Food was good and the people watching was definitely interesting. The competition between waitrons was definitely a wake up call as we decided to leave the restauranteur rat race carry on our walk. Here is where I experience true spring break. Girls of all shapes and sizes prancing around in bikinis sans shorts/tanks on top and slops. Ok so we get that in South Africa but generally a)we have some class and those of us without supermodel physiques will try and cut down on the eye candy and b) we are still conscious of rape. Well did I not just stare with my mouth open as a girl in a string bikini top and string bikini thong bottom wobble her pert little bum in front of me. If they were not taking photos of themselves I would have gotten a picture as evidence but the foreigner in the background with the camera aimed on her bum might have been an epic photobomb fail in this girls life so I decided to rather not risk it. Here we walked past many hotels that have been the location for movies and got to walk around the Miami Beach art deco gallery. We carried on walking around the block as I was sure Dash would now be open for me to peruse. I saw hobos sleeping in the street and a dirty lady with a tummy on her and mom jean shorts paired with a dirty yellow bra and thought wow, feels like Durban beach front and suddenly felt less homesick and into Dash I went. It was decadent and I felt like I was in an episode of KUWTK! Sadly you pay for their name and stardom and I felt that $20 g-string would break eventually so I proceeded to buy their touristy trinkets so I had some proof I was there. Yet again while trying to take a photo of the set up a large African security guard yet again shouted at me for unauthorised photo taking of the displays soooo I thought that was our cue to leave. We got back to the car and started driving up and down until finally we found the Love Hate Tattoo Studio aka Miami Ink. It was AWESOME! Highlight of my trip and to clear up any misconception, the guys you see on tv still work there, they take walk ins and they are completely down to earth and friendly. The welcomed you to take photographs of the shop and allowed tons of questions to be asked. I got to meet Yogi Hamara and get my photo taken with him. Chris Graver was doing a piece and I was star struck as I really admire his work. I couldn’t get up close to see but the fact that I could say I got to see him work is good enough for me. A tattoo started at $200 so I knew this was completely out my price range but I couldn’t go home empty handed so I got an Ami James tank and the receptionist was kind enough to throw in tons of post cards and fliers into my packet. Sad to leave we headed back to the car and then did my last journey from Miami to Fort Lauderdale. We spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch watching LA Ink and doing last minute packing and organising. Saddest part was Karen having to leave early to get the apartment ready in the morning so Craig and Chantal were throwing me a huge breakfast for before I left.

The morning of departure I was really sad because I felt like I was leaving home all over again! My goodbyes to Paul were sad and my goodbye to Karen was the hardest. Craig fetched me and made sure to get any last minute American things I had yet to try to throw into my breakfast. We sat around the table and laughed and talked about the things I had done. Grant brought the girls around so I got to say goodbye to them too which was great as I had only really just met them. The men got ready to go to work and Chantal and I packed the car. I said goodbye to Chance, Jibby and Jesse my new animal friends and got in the SUV. After one or two little stop offs at an amazing bohemian boutique it was time for me to hit the airport. In all her wisdom, Chantal got me booked in. We said our goodbyes and I settled down to the idea of a very long flight ahead of me. After sitting in the wrong airport terminal for an hour I finally found my gate, ditched my previous track top for the Florida hoodie it would have been sacrilege not to by and started the mad rush of flight and check in. Back to Atlanta airport which is just massive and spending most of the time moving from one side to the other by underground train due to its vast size. Once there I had 30 minutes and then we were boarding and I was saying a very bittersweet goodbye. I had myself a window seat with an empty seat beside me, my sausage pillow and my earphones and I had a long and turbulent filled trip home which was a lot more comfortable then my trip to Atlanta. Many movies and a sort of decent sleep later I was back in SA.

I got myself nicely lost in OR Tambo not asking a porter for help as I was without South African currency in my wallet. I sailed through customs declaring nothing and wearing my best “I’m not guilty nor do I possess illegal narcotics and bombs” face I phoned all my people excitedly during my wait and got back in contact with everyone on bbm which was exciting. My plane was an hour delayed but I finally arrived at King Shaka airport. I found my bag with relief and did the cheesy run out and greet the parents thing we see in the movies. Absolutely exhausted we headed home where I was excited to get some good old Albany bread in my belly, a snuggle with my kitties and my own bed. All in all my experience was amazing and I want to do it again. It is so different but being with such special people whilst I was there definitely made my holiday worthwhile!

Hope you enjoyed my travel stories :)

Snow White and the Huntsman - Spoiler Alert

Well I have just watched a film so epically bad that I felt it deserved a blog, breaking my American story chain which is in fact quite tragic. So being a girl we all love a good fairy tale even if its dark and moody. The film had potential, if it wasn't a recreation of the journey through the mountains in Lord of the Rings. I kept expecting to see Gandolf crop up and tell them that they could not pass. Am I being biased. Maybe, but I had a witness with me. So as with most movies you see the trailer and get excited. As it was going off the cinema soon I had date night with my oldest friend who was just as excited to watch the movie as myself. Excited to see Charlize Theron and Kirsten Stewart not be awkward Bella, and the man candy, we sat down with our coke, popcorn and sweets. The trailers were really bad - who writes the shit people are turning into films these days?! So that should have been our first clue. The movie started off well, all tradional like the fable you have heard since childhood. And then Snow White escapes the castle - this is where shit got real. Literally. She wades through the sewer filled with what we assume - and is confirmed later on in the movie - of crap and comes to the edge of a high cliff with rough waves breaking against the rocks. Our first thought was, she will be fine, she has done this before (New Moon when Bella cliff dives.) She lands in the water and somehow doesn't get smooshed against the rocks. Here we waited for Edward or the werewolves to save her. Disappointed she got herself out the bay and found a horse - yes beautiful white horses sit next to abandoned rocks by bays, didn't you know?? And the chase begins. By now we are vowing we will not compare this to Twilight. She gets lost in the dark overgrown forest and passes out. Were we wondering if she would wake up alive - nah the werewolves would find her and take her back to Charlie - wait! Wrong movie. So Kirsten Stewart sleeps in yet another wet, dark forest to wake up and continue running. Unfortunately she is being chased now and caught. Blahdy blahdy predictable fishpaste she gets away with the huntsman. Now focussing on the title we assume he's going to be important. Magic forest but huntsman. Not dwarfs. Wrong again! I found one similarity, Bashful. Wait two, the guy with the cataracts I assumed was Doc. Carrying on this boring story they walk through the mountains to find the duke. I was just waiting for Gollum to jump out shouting "My Precious" as now we had our hobbits along with our fastedious journey through vacant mountains in desolate conditions. Disappointed again. The dukes son finds them and helps take them back to where they are staying. Now William the dukes son is no Edward but is introduced to us as the potential love interest (Chris Hemsworth is a drunk who feels sorry for himself so clearly the viewer must appeal to dapper and not surly and clumsily intoxicated). Cue awkward kiss. Let the stereotype begin. When directors are casting clearly they have a checklist. And clearly said checklist correlated with Twilights. #1 must look in pain and close eyes often - Kirsten Stewart check. #2 must make inappropriate and strange noises in appropriate times that make no sense - Kirsten Stewart check. #3 must kiss actors whilst having the look of knife to throat like it physically hurts - Kirsten Stewart check. #4 awkward and unsure - Kirsten Stewart check. In full, a character which is supposed to be portrayed as a hero, as confident. Fails dismally as we watch her look on edge like a vampire is going to bite her. When Snow White takes a bite of the poisoned apple after said awkward kiss with introduced love interest she begins to choke and die. The performance was eerily familiar to when Bella gets bitten by James in Twilight and the vampire venom is going through her veins. Totally believable. Yep. Ok. So cue the sad upset duke who goes to kiss her because we kiss people when they dead, its not like CPR could save them. And we watch them bring her to the kingdom, and lay her on a shrine. Here she is suddenly clean and well groomed for the first time in the movie. So much so I assumed she was going into her transition to vampire like in Breaking Dawn. The drunk huntsman then comes to talk to her body and kisses her - for why I don't know because the director has made no sort of connotation of affection between these two characters and hurrah she wakes. She does her stand up for your rights they can't take us speech (anybody else feel like they living a twilight scene from somewhere in Eclipse) and march into the kingdom armed and on horses. For someone who has been locked in a tower suddenly she knows how to wield a knife. Charlize Theron is flawless as the queen. She is graceful and fluid as she beats the crap out of Kirsten Stewart. But of course the queen must die. And here is a perfect example of why she won an oscar. One of the only believable scenes in the movie. Her death scene. At the end Snow White is crowned. She looks in pain and awkward with tears in her eyes. The dukes son and the dwarves are there. Everyone hails her as queen but only when she lays eyes on the huntsman does she have a smile. Then the movie ends. What a disappointment. It was the biggest anticlimax yet and left you wondering, what were they trying to achieve in this movie and with that ending?! A sequel?! Not interested. The saving grace of this movie was my friend and her amazing sense of humour as we commented throughout. Wait for someone to download it, rather then paying rental fee. And be prepared to see Bella (sorry Snow White) give a lackluster performance.

How to be a South African Tourist in an American Country Part 3

OK so I admit, I have slacked off to the nth degree. And I apologise. I really do. But I have been ill and for once I haven’t been a hypochondriac. But that is for another blog. So, where was I? Oh yes How to be a South African tourist in an American country...

I spent my Monday recovering from my previous nights red wine hangover. I used America’s amazing WIFI services to its fullest potential and spent the day conversing with my fellow South Africans whilst uploading my photo’s so far. It was a sadly quiet day. We hit Publix (America’s PnP) and I stocked up on amazing American junk food whilst plotting what to do with the rest of my week. I also supplemented my clothes from Old Navy and now owned more than one pair of jeans for my three week holiday and I got a hold of my dear friend Bob who was working on a yacht in Fort Lauderdale and was told my name had been put down to attend an exclusive yacht party for Saturday! Man was I ever so keen. So I played cousin protector by trying to get the family out Tuesday night to watch The Hunger Games so Karen could have time alone with her husband to tell him her AMAZING news (also the reason why I was hungover) she was pregnant! Surprise! Once she got her phone call from the doctor she raced off home to tell Paul as she couldn’t wait til Tuesday night and I kept fort at Craig’s house. When she got home she tried to get all the brothers at Craig’s but as this was not working, I heard a shout of glee from her office as she got her brother Grant on the telephone with her and Craig and told them the exciting news! The new to be uncles were absolutely thrilled!

Tuesday I went with Karen to work and we were lucky enough to be let off early i.e. Craig said take the day off – YAY! So I thought it would be an amazing day to hit the Outlet mall in Weston. So let me explain the outlet malls. Their normal shopping centres are your average value centre Springfield type set up. In essence it sucks because you walk in a straightish line and are in the midst of all the elements. The outlet malls are like Pavilion or your average one story shopping centre (everything is one story in Florida, sometimes two stories thanks to the hurricanes). So I walked in and felt - Home. I was in my element. Like an ADHD child I flitted between the shops not knowing where to start! I was in designer heaven. Prada, Burberry, Michael Kors, True Religion not that I’m a snob or anything. So I walked in and immediately spied the shoe shop. It was Payless Shoes on STEROIDS. So I had tried on size 5 and a half shoes until the cows came home. One underestimates how amazing half sizes are. I feel that between getting new clothes or new shoes I would pick shoes any day, shoes ALWAYS fit! Especially when they accommodate a size 5 foot and a size 6 foot width. Whilst I walked my feet off staring at rows and rows of shoes all I could think about was my dear friend Margaret who I work with. She has more shoes then anyone I know. And I just know if she had been with me, her holiday would have been over right in that store. By now Karen and I were starving and she had bought me to this particular mall as it had a rainforest cafe. Let me explain this restaurant, and if it is one thing you can do when you go to America this is an absolute must, the restaurant is decked out like a rainforest. It in tables amidst a jungle of plants and there are wild animals throughout the restaurant, lions and tigers and gorillas oh my! So we were seated near the bar area which was animal seats and rain surrounding the area. I ordered possibly my favourite meal of the trip and got to talking to Karen discussing what I could do with my time. And this is when the fun started in the restaurant. Every hour there was a thunderstorm and every half hour the animals throughout the restaurant started to move and interact. All the proceeds made at the restaurant go to the rainforest and they had a rainforest gift shop as you walked out to boot. With my tummy full my shopping tendencies were on high gear. And I found a perfume shop that just had the most amazing prices. My mom scored here as I got her perfume at a 2 for $18, two bottles of perfume cheaper than what you pay for one in South Africa. I found an amazing clothes shop Forever 21, all the types of clothes that are the it thing in one store at incredibly reasonable prices, given my feelings on clothes and my distaste for anything that sits on my midriff I made the mistake of walking into their accessory section. My wallet came out harmed as I spied the amazing costume jewellery and trinkets the USA had to offer. But my aim for this shopping trip was to find a new pair of vans. I finally made my way into Converse (by now Karen was waving her white flag in defeat at my insatiable shopping skills) and found an amazing pair of sneakers at yet again a cheaper than what I can get it in SA price. We made our way out the mall and we had to go and stock up on goodies for the apartment for Karen’s boss in Miami. Here I decided to go full on American. And I discovered Hot Pockets. My life is forever changed by these lil pastry pizza pockets of carbohydrate goodness. Next were Pop Tarts and all the different flavours of M&Ms and Dorito chips the store had to offer. I also got my first tub of Ben & Jerrys ice cream. Another food item that has changed my life. We went home and I spent my Tuesday night eating crap and ended my night by streaming Pretty Little Liars off the internet finishing season two of one of my fav show and eating double chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. As we noticed I didn’t go to the Hunger Games. Sad panda.

Wednesday was a day in Miami and living the life of the rich and famous. As the bosses daughter was arriving the next day the $7 million penthouse apartment and $1.5 million yacht had to be prepped and ready for her arrival. I walked around this apartment in wonder. Never had I seen such luxury!! Every bedroom had its own bathroom, walk in closet, king size bed and flat screen tv. The beds were kitted out in Bloomingdales finest 100% 800 thread count white Egyptian cotton linen. One pillow case retails at a whopping $105. That would be R840. For a standard size pillow case. We went shopping in the organic family markets and went into downtown Miami to buy fresh cut flowers for the apartment. And I saw the most amazing male specimens my eyes had yet to see, as the US marines stopped traffic and ran through downtown. It totally made my day worthwhile. It also warranted some embarrassing “whoooo’s” out my mouth followed by claps of appreciation from Karen. While Karen arranged flowers I lounged in the huge kitchen and sat outside on their private deck where they had their own hot tub and swimming area and bbq area whilst having an amazing view of the marina. Whilst Patricia the house keeper prepped the house making sure there was not one speck of dust nor one crease in the linen Karen organised help with prepping the yacht the next day for arrival. I was looking forward to my yacht ride through Miami in the morning. I had then planned to get dropped at one of the many attractions in coconut grove whilst Karen did her thing. Little did we know....

Thursday I woke up ridiculously early (or I was woken up with coffee, probably the latter) to find out that Karen’s dayworker had bailed at 2am. Due to a sore finger he had cut the previous day and had assured us he would still be able to work. So with my eye on the prize (a Pandora bracelet) I volunteered my services for the day as I did not want my cousin doing lines and fenders in her condition – talk about the proverbial mother hen. I would earn $15 an hour to be a glamourous maid so I was not going to complain. So the day started off at the dockyard where we had to pay to have the boat released from maintenance. After waiting a good hour (which I was being paid for) they started to move the boat which was a site unto itself. The boat is lifted by a huge crane and deposited into the water. Well that is what is supposed to happen. However this was not the case as the hydraulics chose to snap  and our yacht was stuck in the air 2 metres away from the dock, so we now had to wait another hour for the piece of pipe needed to get us moving again. We spent our time eating a ridiculously sweet and gross smoothie from the Mexican cantina across the road while we waited. EVENTUALLY we finally got into the dam yacht and I started cleaning like I had never cleaned before. Those who know me know that my version of clean is a path from my bed to the door however this was all about to change under the watchful eye of my cousin. I wiped, I vacuumed, I straightened beds, I cleaned windows, I filled fridges and cupboards. My cousin eventually banished me to the top of the yacht to enjoy the view where I got to see dolphins swimming along our yacht and view all the beautiful homes in Miami from lake side as well as seeing downtown from a completely different angle. After getting an eyeful and having the yacht conk out on us I got back to work cleaning til my back ached and I had dust up my nose.  In the midst of this good old Bob invited me out for a drink and after a hard days work who was I to say no!! The family arrived and that was our time to exit. Of course we would find out as they arrive that the yacht we had spent the whole day cleaning for people to stay on was in fact not going to have anyone stay on it. Doh. Who was I to complain, I earned $120 for my hard work and I was going drinking. After fighting 5pm traffic from Miami I had a quick shower and a hot pocket and we were moving again to 17^th street. Now would be the time and I point out my love for GPS. These things are amazing!! I put in ST Andrews ave and the GPS took us 10miles outta ft Lauderdale to Cypress Hill... May I add that said street we were trying to get to was about 5 minutes from where Karen lives and in the most epic kind of fail we had ended up on the other side of town in completely the wrong direction. To add insult to injury we had brought Bosco (the dog) with us and he was doing his nut in. After a few calls to Bob we eventually ended up in the right place some half an hour late and with frustration levels on high gear. So begins my first night in one of the yachties pubs they liked to frequent – Tap42.

Tap42 is a lil pub that is filled with people and atmosphere and is named for the 42 types of beer it has on tap. Finding Bob I met him and the rest of his crew. This evening was the head steward Tits’, leaving party and who was I not to celebrate with her!! I started drinking Yagerlin (sp???) which was a delicious beer that once mixed inbetween Corona was similar to piss, but for that night I was working it. And of course after a couple of these someone said something about a shooter, possibly a patron and again, who was I not to join in on the fun. As I got to know people from all over the world making new friends and a fool of myself as I went, Bob decided I needed to have a shooter with Tits, and it should of course be her favourite – a red headed slut. First shooter down I was feeling groovy and what can I say, American sizes did not disappoint. There single shooter is equivalent to 2 – 3 of our shooters, I was in alcohol bliss. Feeling quite lubricated and in the mood to have some fun of course I shout from the top of my lungs that it was time for tequila and I was buying. Being that I was America I decided we had to drink Patron. You know like in the movies, I’m cool like that. I order 6 of the dam things and look for my newly made friends to share with. And what did I discover, their self preservation had kicked in and they had disappeared. I won’t point out what this cost me the only thing I will admit to is my love of the card machines found in every nook and cranny. So I swiped and thought, I will deal with this TOMORROW. I had 6 tequila and only 3 people, what was I going to do! Why we would have TWO shooters each (please note 1 shooter = 2/3 shooters, 2 shooters = 4/6 shooters) and we ALL know how well I handle my tequila! Down the hatch it went and I will be the first to admit things got hazy. I know I found a fellow South African who was friends with a friend of mine – I know I sent bbms to her and had no idea who the person was or what I said. Apparently I made more friends, embarrassing myself nicely in front of a good looking Canadian deciding it was time he learned Afrikaans and teaching this fun Aussie guy Aaron the word “thundercunt” which he proceeded to address me as every time he saw me. Now life was feeling a little wobbily and I told Bob that I needed food and by golly I wanted to visit the Golden arches. Apparently we did and my last conscious memory was of telling the lady to “supersize me” and fries, I remember fries. This is how Thursday night seemed to end. FML.

Friday. FML. If you don’t know what FML means you now need to stop and google it. FML. I cracked open an eye wondering where the hell I was and that I needed to pee now! I shuffled myself to the door of my room when I suddenly felt breezy and looked down. Holy hell where the eff were my pants?!?!?!?!  Finding pj pants was a mission due to the fact I was still dressed in the top half of the previous evenings outfit. I caught Karen’s eye mid bathroom walk smiled (grimaced?) and did my thing. Bless her heart she had a cup of coffee waiting for me when I came out. I sat down to her smiling that knowing smile at me and what would assault my ears next would have me man down in my bed for the rest of the day as the bits and pieces of how I got home and what I did when I got there were told to me. I had gotten home with my pants on it seemed, in fact I crept through the house like Jesus that Karen didn’t really even hear me come in. I had gone to my room and then decided I needed the bathroom. For some reason remembering that my bedroom door needed to be closed so Bosco didn’t eat my stuff I remembered that little tip as I went to the bathroom. Apparently Paul, Karen’s husband came home sometime around here(he works nights) and deduced that I must have bought a man home with me as my bedroom door AND the bathroom door were closed. Eventually Paul in need of a shower decided Karen should check on her misbehaving cousin (i.e. me) what greeted Karen’s eyes I don’t know. I was in the bathroom alright. I had passed out somewhere between the toilet and bath mat and apparently Bosco had joined me in this little endeavour. So helpful he was as apparently I chundered bright red headed slut all over her bath mat before I passed out, and being a shitzu, Bosco had of course eaten it. We were both worse for wear when we were found. Karen took me to my bed and here is where I lost my pants. Deciding they needed to be off I got them halfway down my thighs before I passed out into unconsciousness. Karen pulled them the rest of the way off and so I woke up in my condition. The bath mat was washed twice, and unfortunately it didn’t make it. RIP white bath mat. I logged onto facebook, updated my status and Bosco and I passed out on my bed to sleep off our matching hangovers. When I woke up there were many frantic messages from my mother until my cousin had pointed out I was quite the worse for wear and would communicate when I could function as a normal human being. When I finally came to when Karen came home from work I had a miracle shower and wash hair effort and got ready as Chantal, Craig’s fiancé was making us a dinner and then we were finally going to go watch the Hunger Games. Dinner was amazing – I still can’t get over Mac & cheese being a side – and the company was lovely. Of course they were all tickled pink at my delicate condition and teased me unmercifully whilst John tried to feed me wine. Once smelling it and almost losing my dinner they took a time out and we did a fast drive up the road to the movies. I love American movies houses! Choose your own seat, and the people don’t talk. Karen and I loved the movie, the rest however weren’t so keen. We went back to Craig and Chantal for Key Lime Pie and coffee and then it was bedtime. What a day.

Saturday we woke up nice and late for a change and did a clean around the house. Karen and Paul were having hurricane proof windows and doors fitted so it was going to be a loud day. I decided that today would be a good day to trawl the $1 dollar stores and I made Saturday my music mission day, I wanted to find some good CDS to make up for the lack of good musical taste that sometimes occurs in our CD stores. However, I did not find Empire records much to my disgust. I did however discover Staples. I was in heaven! They sold EVERYTHING! I went make up cray cray and was yet again in shoe clothes and appliance heaven. I also scored some amazing CDs at half the price I would pay for these imported beauties in SA. I also got Claudia her kindle with as much excitement as if I were buying it for myself! We finished up quickly and went home. Tonight was the toga party and boy was I excited – except I couldn’t find a toga damnit! Whilst conversing with Bob about lift arrangements I said I would get a taxi home again if he could fetch me – cue awkward silence and finding out I had not actually taken a taxi home on Thursday night. Whoops! Jamie rescued Bob and I in the Magic crew car and I got home thattaway. Dressed in some of my new duds and feeling like a million bucks Bob fetched me and off we went to the marina. Wow. It was something I had never seen before. People everywhere dressed to the hilt in costume, a stage, DJ, live entertainment, food, drink and all for free. Taking it easy as I was determined to remember this night I nursed my Corona and watched as people engorged themselves with sushi, seafood paella and a whole pig. They cooked the whole dam thing, eyes and all and chatted to people I had met the Thursday night. I came to the conclusion that a lot of people knew who I was and I could not remember talking to them at all, this was not awkward. No not at all. America is pretty strict about residential parties so it started at 7 and ended promptly at 10. Bob took me along the yachts and we went searching for Johnny Depps yacht which was docked at this marina. Unfortunately it wasn’t there. I had planned on stowing away on his yacht and attacking his body in the middle of the sea but unfortunately this would remain but a dream. No Johnny Depp kittens for me. After the police shooed us away (and OMG they do wear those cool looking black suits with the shiny badges and stuff) we jumped in the crew car and headed for Tap42. Those cars are huge and fit hundreds of people in. Sadly I think there was a bum flashing incident, and I may have temporarily blinded Bob. We got to the real partying now, drinking beer and knocking back shooters. Tonights shooters came in whiskey glasses and it was at least half the glass for one shot. Bob and I did a lot of talking and reminisced as our favourite club Burn was closing that same night and we were missing it. After a couple of shooters we decided to sing Korn, literally the 2 lines we could remember and head bang in the middle of the bar . After sharing a jagerbomb with Tits (garsh darn whole whipskey glass of jager and red bull there) we hopped in taxis and headed downtown to the clubs. $7 and some laughs later we got to Side Bar. There were togas everywhere as everyone decided to end their night in Los Solas. Whilst drinking, talking and socialising Nirvana comes on and that is Bob and my cue to live out the good times, we danced so hard my neck was sore for 2 days after that. Bob then took me up and down the road where every second restaurant/bar/club was heaving with people having a good time. We drank, we danced and we laughed as we walked that stretch. At 2.45am I decided it was time to end it and Bob said we would do it the American way with a slice of pizza. With a big smile on my face I weaved out into the road and jumped in the first taxi I saw. I gave him my address and got comfortable. Little did I know that this in itself would be an experience.

My taxi driver was fresh off the boat from Haiti and spoke much French but very little English.  After 10 minutes we had “arrived” where we had arrived I have no idea as this was not the address I had given him! Now with no GPS (where are the dam things when you need them) he chose his phone a friend life line and this is when I realised the first bugger up. He had got the address completely wrong. Instead of being on the South West side we were on the South East side. My best was when he asked if I knew where we were and how to get to my house. After chatting to a colleague and refusing me his blackberry for google map purposes the clock was on $18. He asked how much I had paid to get to downtown. In true Durban Indian style I told him $10 forgetting to tell mention I had started 3 streets away. He said as he had gotten us lost he would charge me $10 and off we set to the other side of laudie. As we got nearby I started to recognise the roads. Unfortunately he didn’t and proceeded to use his ask the audience life line. I told him to stop weaving out these roads as we were close, and as per usual he did not listen. I might add he now wanted a conversation though he could barely communicate with me. Finally using his last 50/50 lifeline driving down 37^th street for the hundredth time we found the road and I spied the house with a shout of excitement that we had made it I gathered my things to get going to my bed. By now the clock was on $31 and in true Indian business man fashion I paid him only his $10. Little did he know that that taxi ride usually cost between $20-$25. Used home tactics, check. Bed time, double check.

I woke up late on Sunday not feeling as abused as I had after Thursday. I spent my day on facebook, my kindle and the TV whilst snacking on my pizza Pringles or was it cool ranch Doritos? Karen was working on the boat that day so Paul and I chilled out and got to know each other some more. I lived on hot pockets and he got to cooking a delicious supper.  Chantal and Karen got home and we all had dinner. Me still in my pajamas much to the ladies horror. I shared my taxi experience and just soaked up my time with my family! I was going to miss this as this was my last Sunday with them. Some might say this was a boring Sunday, but after watching a movie and getting in a bit of reading time I rated that Sunday as perfect.    

How to be a South African tourist in an American Country Part 2

So, where was I?! Oh yes, Orlando.  I woke up lateish the Thursday morning super excited that I would now be road-tripping to see Mickey. The fact that I would be able to see some of the Floridian country-side/beach-side/road-side was merely an after-thought. We decided to drive in style in Craig’s (my other cousin and Karen’s brother) BMW.  In reality Karen was worried her Honda would die and we would have to walk to Orlando, and off we went. Actually, no we didn’t. We forgot the GPS in the other car and had to mission around Fort Lauderdale to go fetch it.  And THEN we were on our way.  We left at 11ish American time and jumped on the turnpike. We decided that as we were girls and there were only two of us we could listen to really embarrassing girl music; sing-a-long and generally hope we don’t get lost.

Being woman, naturally we often needed to stop for a bathroom break – Karen was so clever and had an uninterrupted supply of water in the car for our drinking pleasure.  By about 12 we were absolutely starving and decided to see what local fare we could eat.  Our choices were Dunkin’ Donuts and a Health food bar. We started off with good intentions in the health food line but due to inevitable circumstances (longer line with people who were also trying to do it healthy) we decided on Dunkin’ Donuts. Here I ate possibly the most disgusting toasted sandwich ever. First off, they clearly feel the consumer does not get their recommended starch allowances and makes up for it by cutting bread so thick it was like eating 2 sandwiches together, add a good old chunk of processed cheese and a serviette, and we were served up a heart attack in a packet. To make up for such disappointment on the food front, I felt it was only fair to have a chocolate covered ring donut. By this time my arteries were crying for release and we set off on our way. While thinking we were making excellent time, we realised the time was wrong on the car radio. Day-light savings time! Why?! Why do that to people. Somewhat disheartened we carried on our journey snacking on Pizza Pringles and singing Katy Perry.

We arrived in Orlando at about 4pm and went looking for our hotel – Movieland Monumental Hotel. It sounds fancier then it was. After learning where the vending machine was and about our 10% visitors dining discount at Black Angus (a Firkin type effort where it’s all food and less drinking), I decided I wanted to go to Ripley’s Odditorium. I had discovered there was one whilst collecting a pamphlet about Florida from every toilet stop. We could not find it on the GPS but as it was in the same road as our hotel we thought we would take a drive and hope like hell. Whilst driving my cousin shouted “There is the upside-down house.” As we were in no way near finding our destination we decided to pull in and have a look. Hurrah, the upside-down house was actually Ripleys!!!!

Walking in to it was challenging as everything was off-kilter and you were left feeling slightly seasick before your tour started. Whilst my cousin paid entrance I made movements to rub the fertility statue. We decided as she was married, she would have the opportunity to rub the pointy boobed wooden thing, and then off we went. Recreations of Robert Ripleys office were on display as well as weird and wonderful art made of candy and coins. I took a liking to John Lennon on a phonebook. It was a good look for him. We walked through testing our knowledge on silly “believe it or not” questions. Then we walked into a room that really blew my mind. Clearly made proportionately wrong, my brain wanted to believe that the balls were not sliding down the tilted pool table due to magic, not the cleverly hiding platform making it straight. After leaving this room we finally got to see all the interesting stuff, the stuff television is made of!! Really! This stuff had been on TV! Shrunken heads were just as creepy in person as the buggers look like on TV! Skin masks, trophies, bits of people.... Just plain weird! They also had a selection of coffins, apparently it would be trendy for me to be buried in a textbook or something?!?  Anyway, moving on, we then went to the weird animals section. Definitely not the cuddly critters you see at the farm. Two –headed calves, lambs, pigs, cats. Anyone else think the water in America needs to be looked at? We then got to see weird people. Or the models of them anyway. The man who sat in the oven with a chicken and got out unharmed with a cooked chicken 2 hours later was interesting.  There was also the tallest man and the shortest man – this display was decorated by an array of bedpans through the ages?! The lady with the googley eyes, the chick with the long neck and that poor sulky woman who can fit a plate in her lip. Serious plastic surgery nightmares. Karen decided that the lizard man was to be her boyfriend for the weekend. I thought the guy with the candle buried in his head was kinda hot, or not?! And for those of us domestics with nothing better to do with our time then dig through the washing machine, the last supper was proudly displayed in lint. The tour ended with a tour of all the torture devices. I was tempted to steal the vampire killing kit in the hopes of capturing Damon Salvadore for my own wicked reasons (I was going to universal tomorrow it could happen!). Unfortunately it was safely under glass and Ian Somerhalder is around to be beautiful another day. Some gorgeous displays of backbreakers, iron maidens, spiked clubs and large knives made me grateful for the good old flyswatter. Wooden spoon, shoe, cane, choose your modern day torture device! After having our picture super-imposed into Shrek babies we were finished. However fun the curios were, I could not justify solidified bug keyring as a trinket.

Driving back to our hotel, we stopped in at the Pirates Bay which turned out to be a miniature golf course. We took our photos and ran away before someone made us pay for the privilege. We drove past a Titanic dinner theatre, murder mystery dinner theatre and the CSI experience! As we had a long day ahead we decided to keep those places in our spank bank for weekend dinners and made our way to Black Angus at the hotel. The meal they gave me was huge. I couldn’t finish it. I couldn’t finish half of it. And really I didn’t know it was possible to smother a chicken breast in an entire loaves worth of breadcrumbs. After a glass of cheap wine we made our way to our room. After a shower and a flick through the TV I went to sleep feeling quick sick. And full. And heavy. Oosh.

Orlando Day Two. I woke up to the sound of the Mexicans shouting and the vending machine rattling! Being the early riser I am, I sat and watched Karen in the hopes of waking her up with my mere gaze.  As we both felt a bit worse for wear we decided on the breakfast buffet at Black Angus instead of previously discussed iHop. After eating the crispiest bacon alive (I will give the Americans their bacon, crisp crisp and more than 3 rashers allowed), a banana muffin and a cup of coffee we were on our way to Universal Studios.  We found it fairly easily but sadly our preferred parking was like walking from Queensburgh to Pinetown. We took a picture of our parking bay (for future reference) and slogged our way in.  We reached the throbbing lines of people just aching to get in and I stood deaf dumb and mute whilst Karen assured the people I was also a Florida resident – so I could have my discount.  Cue lots of nodding and smiling and jokes about designated drivers and not having I.D.  The day was warm and we decided as Harry Potter was Universals main attraction we would start there and work our way back to try beat the spring break clouds. We walked into Hogsmeade and it was absolutely amazing. I felt like Hermione Granger when she first realised she was a witch and had to go get all her school goodies in town. After eyeing the butterbeer line we decided to do the main event. Now we had purchased speed tickets to avoid lines, so we confidently walked through the line to be told that this was the only ride they didn’t work on and went to stand for the next 70 minutes for our turn. We were serenaded by the Hogwarts choir and finally wove our way into the humongous castle on the hill. We all got our chance to see the great hall and Dumbledores office. We went through the potions and Dark arts classrooms and made our way through the spiralled corridors into the various common rooms. Putting on my best tourist face I stared at the moving and talking paintings with awe and help up the line trying to get THE shot. After moving through the gardens we came face to face with the infamous sorting hat. I stood hoping it would shout “Gryffindor” while I waited to be placed in the ride. Luckily I was tall enough and they strapped us in. All I can say is wow. My throat felt like it was bleeding after but it was a rush as we soared through the quidditch fields and the castle behind Harry Potter on his broom and fought off all the dementors and other scary wizardy things. What a rush! Sad that it was over we walked shoulders slumped out the castle.

Now thirsty I decided I just HAD to try butterbeer. It is a taste I will live to regret. I got my beer mug with its frothy concoction. We finally got the flavours down to root beer with a butterscotch foam. Sort of like a sad coke float. Trying to smile and make myself believe I was enjoying the $10 beverage we happened upon what looked like a “tame” rollercoaster ride – The flight of the hippogryth. Tame. Yes. Thinking it was tame I downed the disgusting glass of sludge and we climbed into our basket. This is the closest I got to chundering on a ride. The fact that I did not want to lose face kept the contents of that sickly sweet syrup in my stomach and I focussed on screaming my lungs out into Karen’s startled ear. Its official – I’m a screamer. We walked out of Hogmeades into our next movie destination – Jurassic Park.

Greeting us was the lush jungle of the island and an abandoned jeep with a nearby T-Rex peaking out ready to take a bite out of us. We decided we wanted to be terodactyles but soon found out that ride was for kids and even though we were of proportionate stature we would not be allowed to participate. We moved deeper into the jungle and climbed into a raft which took us through the wreckage of the island whilst simultaneously having dinosaurs of different shapes and sizes try and eat us. Clearly seated in the wrong place, Karen and i were drenched as our raft fell out the drain type waterfall whilst everyone was still giddy from their last fright. Deciding Jurassic Park was a bit stale and we had done the fun bits we walked into the Toon Lagoon. Here I got to have my photo with Marmaduke and meet Betty Boop. What a slut. This section was somewhat kitche so we decided to have a bite to eat. After my little pizza my cousin persuaded me that the Ripsaw Mcgraw ride wasn’t that bad, it was fun and I should do it because she could get some awesome photos. Smiling nervous and naively I agree that the drop doesn’t look that steep and make my way to the ride.  I am put into a log with a bunch of kids, and off we went, going like all the water rides in UShaka. Things started getting faster and steeper. That not so steep drop was a 40 foot drop that was almost completely sheer. While the kids cheered I giggled in hopes of not bursting into tears. I no longer felt hot or sunburnt because I was officially soaked through my skin. I also had officially lost my sense of humour. It took a bit longer to find Karen because she had seen my face through her zoom lense and decided to let me walk it off a bit. After barrelling her with a multitude of nasty names I was over the cartoons and we made our way into the Marvel character section.

Here we were able to frolic and ride with Spiderman whilst he fought crime and were protected from the bad guys. It was a pretty fun ride, however in 3D so if you are blind, a bit pointless. We walked out and into the midst of the hulk. The hulk is a motherfucker of a rollercoaster that anyone in their right mind would be completely fucking stupid to go on. Pardon my language. Karen then tried to convince me I had to do this at least once in my life. She had had her turn now it was mine. After taking her advice about the Ripsaw ride I decided I knew better and told her which bridge she could jump off. She then discovered “pussy” among other derogatory names would be embraced instead of deflected on a dare so we made our way past. And not a moment too soon at that.

Here we came to my favourite part. The big old nerd kid teacher made its appearance as we walked into the land of Seus. We went in teacups whilst the cat and the hat was re-enacted and told around us and rode in flying elephants above the park whilst moving through the candyfloss decoration of Seus land. I left here as “Thing one.” And you better believe it. Our last stop was the cave of Atlantis. A huge world that had been dug out into a huge mountainous cavern where we got to experience Greek Gods in all their furious glory as Zeus fought Promethys in a battle of fire and water.

Spent we decided it was time to start making our way back. We did all the obligatory pictures with the Universal Studios signs and contemplated the Hunger Games opening. Deciding decisions would be made better on a beer we stopped in at Margeritaville and sat a while as our brains turned to porridge and our legs fell off our bodies while nursing the hops and barley goodness in a glass.  Absolutely famished we flirted with the idea of the Titanic dinner theatre but were lured back into Black Angus with its bad food and cheap wine. Eventually dragging ourselves to our room we had a shower and fell into bed while watching syndicated TV programmes. I fell into another sleep with a heavy tummy. American food 2, Kathleen 0.

Waking up on my third day in Orlando was tinged with sadness as I found out about the passing on of a friend. With lots on my mind we went to the breakfast buffet (again) and made our way to Epcot Centre Disney World. Entering Epcot was really something so pretty to see. All the favourite Disney characters had been cut out in the hedges so every corner told a story. We started off at the beginning, space and how the earth began and where it will be in the future. We travelled through evolution whilst gaining copious amounts of knowledge for so early in the morning and felt satisfied to start off the day so pleasantly. We then made our way to “Ellen’s Energy Adventure” where Ellen taught us in the form of an episode of Jepardy how and why energy is important to us. From here we moved onto the GM Centre.  I learned all the rigorous tests parts of our general motor’s cars go through before they are allowed to be sold and had the opportunity to be a crash test dummy in a test car. Zooming around the centre at 200km/h was pretty cool. We then moved onto the different countries. Epcot allows you to go around the world in one day experiencing culture, food and history from lands you might never get to visit otherwise. First we visited Mexico experiencing the brightly coloured carnival decorations and are thrown into a Mexican market filled with ponchos and sambreroas. This was my favourite as I am always a sucker for a fleamarket type vibe. From Mexico we went to China, where we decided to eat. I got suckered into another fleamarket and stood staring at the amazing architecture and the miniature terra cotta soldier display. Once finished in China we moved into a small German village where we got to experience beer and Snow White. Moving on we then visited Italy and were assaulted by a bunch of singing and dancing Italian woman in flaming red dresses and big hair. I got to stare at the Italian finery and left with more wishes then I had started. We visited Norway and travelled through time in a Viking ship. Very corny and i was left disappointed that there was no sign of Eric Northman, Truebloods Viking vampire! We then walked into the confederate soldiers reciting the anthem. I encouraged Karen to get some practice in for when she had to do it for her residency. Being that I was in America and watched enough politics on TV we moved through to Japan. Best little market area ever. The rain decided to pour so we waited in amongst Hello Kitty and Pokemon whilst having entertainers try sell us pearls in the clam. From Japan we moved on to Morocco and I was very sad to have eaten and miss out on an authentic falafel. In Chelsey’s words, “jew food.” Hypnotised by chunky turquoise jewellery and belly dancing outfits we made our way into France. Here they had many wine cellars in true French fashion. Whist walking past the characters from Beauty and the Beast we reached England. By now we were a good 7 hours into our tour and somewhat over it. I managed to glean the meaning of my surname from one of the shops – Murch – a small person??? And ran out before they could talk me into an embroidered family coat of arms, happy that I am at least part authentic pom. Lastly we dragged ourselves through Canada while some mounties performed on stage. We ended off the day by going on the Nemo ride through a huge aquarium. I found my pelican shirt! You can find Nemo, Dory and Crush but I HAVE A PELICAN whoop! I decided I wanted to go on one more ride and went on a space simulator and felt the effects of zero gravity.

Absolutely stupid tired we made our way to Black Angus (do you see a pattern here) for dinner. The first night we actually finished a meal. Clearly it took two days of wasted food to realise that if we shared a meal we would both be satisfied with little waste. We made it an early night partly because we had an early start, mostly because our bodies had pretty much stopped functioning. We only made it to our beds fuelled by our glass of cheap wine.

We got an early start to the morning, checked out of our dingy hotel and made our way to the nearest Wallmart.  I realised that I needed more underwear after the minimal packing I did to bring home optimal amounts of crap. We decided to end off Orlando by visiting Gatorland. We had reached redneck county. Gators everywhere and men in bad clothes with bad accents taught us about the different reptiles. Here you got to see exotic birds, snakes, alpacas?? Turkeys and what not among the alligators. Americans trying to get a bang for their buck as usual, petting zoo/alligator farm. Here I saw an albino alligator. Ugliest things ever. White with creepy blue eyes, definitely not something you want to snuggle up next to at night. We finished off Gatorland by a tour through the swamps that still held vestiges of damage left over from hurricane Wilma and watching the mutualistic relationship between the brids and the alligators. We were fortunate enough to see all the baby chicks that had just hatched like little bald spots sitting in the trees. Completely spent we started the 4 hour drive back home. Lunch was KFC and it was disgusting. It’s also not a KFC burger, it’s a KFC sandwich. So apparently if it’s not a beef patty on the bread, it’s a sandwich. I felt a bit like Dorothy when she realised she wasn’t in Kansas anymore when I bit into the wilted excuse for KFC.

We got back to Fort Lauderdale in the late afternoon and went to swop cars. Here I met Craig’s fiancé Chantal and his friend John who I had met when he came to South Africa. Trying to get the heat off of Karen I ended the weekend by getting rip-roaring drunk on a bottle of dry red wine with John   as she very sneakily kept swopping her and my glasses. The drive home was a somewhat blur and I fell onto my blow up mattress absolutely exhausted. First weekend in the states – tick.