How to be a South African tourist in an American Country Part 2

So, where was I?! Oh yes, Orlando.  I woke up lateish the Thursday morning super excited that I would now be road-tripping to see Mickey. The fact that I would be able to see some of the Floridian country-side/beach-side/road-side was merely an after-thought. We decided to drive in style in Craig’s (my other cousin and Karen’s brother) BMW.  In reality Karen was worried her Honda would die and we would have to walk to Orlando, and off we went. Actually, no we didn’t. We forgot the GPS in the other car and had to mission around Fort Lauderdale to go fetch it.  And THEN we were on our way.  We left at 11ish American time and jumped on the turnpike. We decided that as we were girls and there were only two of us we could listen to really embarrassing girl music; sing-a-long and generally hope we don’t get lost.

Being woman, naturally we often needed to stop for a bathroom break – Karen was so clever and had an uninterrupted supply of water in the car for our drinking pleasure.  By about 12 we were absolutely starving and decided to see what local fare we could eat.  Our choices were Dunkin’ Donuts and a Health food bar. We started off with good intentions in the health food line but due to inevitable circumstances (longer line with people who were also trying to do it healthy) we decided on Dunkin’ Donuts. Here I ate possibly the most disgusting toasted sandwich ever. First off, they clearly feel the consumer does not get their recommended starch allowances and makes up for it by cutting bread so thick it was like eating 2 sandwiches together, add a good old chunk of processed cheese and a serviette, and we were served up a heart attack in a packet. To make up for such disappointment on the food front, I felt it was only fair to have a chocolate covered ring donut. By this time my arteries were crying for release and we set off on our way. While thinking we were making excellent time, we realised the time was wrong on the car radio. Day-light savings time! Why?! Why do that to people. Somewhat disheartened we carried on our journey snacking on Pizza Pringles and singing Katy Perry.

We arrived in Orlando at about 4pm and went looking for our hotel – Movieland Monumental Hotel. It sounds fancier then it was. After learning where the vending machine was and about our 10% visitors dining discount at Black Angus (a Firkin type effort where it’s all food and less drinking), I decided I wanted to go to Ripley’s Odditorium. I had discovered there was one whilst collecting a pamphlet about Florida from every toilet stop. We could not find it on the GPS but as it was in the same road as our hotel we thought we would take a drive and hope like hell. Whilst driving my cousin shouted “There is the upside-down house.” As we were in no way near finding our destination we decided to pull in and have a look. Hurrah, the upside-down house was actually Ripleys!!!!

Walking in to it was challenging as everything was off-kilter and you were left feeling slightly seasick before your tour started. Whilst my cousin paid entrance I made movements to rub the fertility statue. We decided as she was married, she would have the opportunity to rub the pointy boobed wooden thing, and then off we went. Recreations of Robert Ripleys office were on display as well as weird and wonderful art made of candy and coins. I took a liking to John Lennon on a phonebook. It was a good look for him. We walked through testing our knowledge on silly “believe it or not” questions. Then we walked into a room that really blew my mind. Clearly made proportionately wrong, my brain wanted to believe that the balls were not sliding down the tilted pool table due to magic, not the cleverly hiding platform making it straight. After leaving this room we finally got to see all the interesting stuff, the stuff television is made of!! Really! This stuff had been on TV! Shrunken heads were just as creepy in person as the buggers look like on TV! Skin masks, trophies, bits of people.... Just plain weird! They also had a selection of coffins, apparently it would be trendy for me to be buried in a textbook or something?!?  Anyway, moving on, we then went to the weird animals section. Definitely not the cuddly critters you see at the farm. Two –headed calves, lambs, pigs, cats. Anyone else think the water in America needs to be looked at? We then got to see weird people. Or the models of them anyway. The man who sat in the oven with a chicken and got out unharmed with a cooked chicken 2 hours later was interesting.  There was also the tallest man and the shortest man – this display was decorated by an array of bedpans through the ages?! The lady with the googley eyes, the chick with the long neck and that poor sulky woman who can fit a plate in her lip. Serious plastic surgery nightmares. Karen decided that the lizard man was to be her boyfriend for the weekend. I thought the guy with the candle buried in his head was kinda hot, or not?! And for those of us domestics with nothing better to do with our time then dig through the washing machine, the last supper was proudly displayed in lint. The tour ended with a tour of all the torture devices. I was tempted to steal the vampire killing kit in the hopes of capturing Damon Salvadore for my own wicked reasons (I was going to universal tomorrow it could happen!). Unfortunately it was safely under glass and Ian Somerhalder is around to be beautiful another day. Some gorgeous displays of backbreakers, iron maidens, spiked clubs and large knives made me grateful for the good old flyswatter. Wooden spoon, shoe, cane, choose your modern day torture device! After having our picture super-imposed into Shrek babies we were finished. However fun the curios were, I could not justify solidified bug keyring as a trinket.

Driving back to our hotel, we stopped in at the Pirates Bay which turned out to be a miniature golf course. We took our photos and ran away before someone made us pay for the privilege. We drove past a Titanic dinner theatre, murder mystery dinner theatre and the CSI experience! As we had a long day ahead we decided to keep those places in our spank bank for weekend dinners and made our way to Black Angus at the hotel. The meal they gave me was huge. I couldn’t finish it. I couldn’t finish half of it. And really I didn’t know it was possible to smother a chicken breast in an entire loaves worth of breadcrumbs. After a glass of cheap wine we made our way to our room. After a shower and a flick through the TV I went to sleep feeling quick sick. And full. And heavy. Oosh.

Orlando Day Two. I woke up to the sound of the Mexicans shouting and the vending machine rattling! Being the early riser I am, I sat and watched Karen in the hopes of waking her up with my mere gaze.  As we both felt a bit worse for wear we decided on the breakfast buffet at Black Angus instead of previously discussed iHop. After eating the crispiest bacon alive (I will give the Americans their bacon, crisp crisp and more than 3 rashers allowed), a banana muffin and a cup of coffee we were on our way to Universal Studios.  We found it fairly easily but sadly our preferred parking was like walking from Queensburgh to Pinetown. We took a picture of our parking bay (for future reference) and slogged our way in.  We reached the throbbing lines of people just aching to get in and I stood deaf dumb and mute whilst Karen assured the people I was also a Florida resident – so I could have my discount.  Cue lots of nodding and smiling and jokes about designated drivers and not having I.D.  The day was warm and we decided as Harry Potter was Universals main attraction we would start there and work our way back to try beat the spring break clouds. We walked into Hogsmeade and it was absolutely amazing. I felt like Hermione Granger when she first realised she was a witch and had to go get all her school goodies in town. After eyeing the butterbeer line we decided to do the main event. Now we had purchased speed tickets to avoid lines, so we confidently walked through the line to be told that this was the only ride they didn’t work on and went to stand for the next 70 minutes for our turn. We were serenaded by the Hogwarts choir and finally wove our way into the humongous castle on the hill. We all got our chance to see the great hall and Dumbledores office. We went through the potions and Dark arts classrooms and made our way through the spiralled corridors into the various common rooms. Putting on my best tourist face I stared at the moving and talking paintings with awe and help up the line trying to get THE shot. After moving through the gardens we came face to face with the infamous sorting hat. I stood hoping it would shout “Gryffindor” while I waited to be placed in the ride. Luckily I was tall enough and they strapped us in. All I can say is wow. My throat felt like it was bleeding after but it was a rush as we soared through the quidditch fields and the castle behind Harry Potter on his broom and fought off all the dementors and other scary wizardy things. What a rush! Sad that it was over we walked shoulders slumped out the castle.

Now thirsty I decided I just HAD to try butterbeer. It is a taste I will live to regret. I got my beer mug with its frothy concoction. We finally got the flavours down to root beer with a butterscotch foam. Sort of like a sad coke float. Trying to smile and make myself believe I was enjoying the $10 beverage we happened upon what looked like a “tame” rollercoaster ride – The flight of the hippogryth. Tame. Yes. Thinking it was tame I downed the disgusting glass of sludge and we climbed into our basket. This is the closest I got to chundering on a ride. The fact that I did not want to lose face kept the contents of that sickly sweet syrup in my stomach and I focussed on screaming my lungs out into Karen’s startled ear. Its official – I’m a screamer. We walked out of Hogmeades into our next movie destination – Jurassic Park.

Greeting us was the lush jungle of the island and an abandoned jeep with a nearby T-Rex peaking out ready to take a bite out of us. We decided we wanted to be terodactyles but soon found out that ride was for kids and even though we were of proportionate stature we would not be allowed to participate. We moved deeper into the jungle and climbed into a raft which took us through the wreckage of the island whilst simultaneously having dinosaurs of different shapes and sizes try and eat us. Clearly seated in the wrong place, Karen and i were drenched as our raft fell out the drain type waterfall whilst everyone was still giddy from their last fright. Deciding Jurassic Park was a bit stale and we had done the fun bits we walked into the Toon Lagoon. Here I got to have my photo with Marmaduke and meet Betty Boop. What a slut. This section was somewhat kitche so we decided to have a bite to eat. After my little pizza my cousin persuaded me that the Ripsaw Mcgraw ride wasn’t that bad, it was fun and I should do it because she could get some awesome photos. Smiling nervous and naively I agree that the drop doesn’t look that steep and make my way to the ride.  I am put into a log with a bunch of kids, and off we went, going like all the water rides in UShaka. Things started getting faster and steeper. That not so steep drop was a 40 foot drop that was almost completely sheer. While the kids cheered I giggled in hopes of not bursting into tears. I no longer felt hot or sunburnt because I was officially soaked through my skin. I also had officially lost my sense of humour. It took a bit longer to find Karen because she had seen my face through her zoom lense and decided to let me walk it off a bit. After barrelling her with a multitude of nasty names I was over the cartoons and we made our way into the Marvel character section.

Here we were able to frolic and ride with Spiderman whilst he fought crime and were protected from the bad guys. It was a pretty fun ride, however in 3D so if you are blind, a bit pointless. We walked out and into the midst of the hulk. The hulk is a motherfucker of a rollercoaster that anyone in their right mind would be completely fucking stupid to go on. Pardon my language. Karen then tried to convince me I had to do this at least once in my life. She had had her turn now it was mine. After taking her advice about the Ripsaw ride I decided I knew better and told her which bridge she could jump off. She then discovered “pussy” among other derogatory names would be embraced instead of deflected on a dare so we made our way past. And not a moment too soon at that.

Here we came to my favourite part. The big old nerd kid teacher made its appearance as we walked into the land of Seus. We went in teacups whilst the cat and the hat was re-enacted and told around us and rode in flying elephants above the park whilst moving through the candyfloss decoration of Seus land. I left here as “Thing one.” And you better believe it. Our last stop was the cave of Atlantis. A huge world that had been dug out into a huge mountainous cavern where we got to experience Greek Gods in all their furious glory as Zeus fought Promethys in a battle of fire and water.

Spent we decided it was time to start making our way back. We did all the obligatory pictures with the Universal Studios signs and contemplated the Hunger Games opening. Deciding decisions would be made better on a beer we stopped in at Margeritaville and sat a while as our brains turned to porridge and our legs fell off our bodies while nursing the hops and barley goodness in a glass.  Absolutely famished we flirted with the idea of the Titanic dinner theatre but were lured back into Black Angus with its bad food and cheap wine. Eventually dragging ourselves to our room we had a shower and fell into bed while watching syndicated TV programmes. I fell into another sleep with a heavy tummy. American food 2, Kathleen 0.

Waking up on my third day in Orlando was tinged with sadness as I found out about the passing on of a friend. With lots on my mind we went to the breakfast buffet (again) and made our way to Epcot Centre Disney World. Entering Epcot was really something so pretty to see. All the favourite Disney characters had been cut out in the hedges so every corner told a story. We started off at the beginning, space and how the earth began and where it will be in the future. We travelled through evolution whilst gaining copious amounts of knowledge for so early in the morning and felt satisfied to start off the day so pleasantly. We then made our way to “Ellen’s Energy Adventure” where Ellen taught us in the form of an episode of Jepardy how and why energy is important to us. From here we moved onto the GM Centre.  I learned all the rigorous tests parts of our general motor’s cars go through before they are allowed to be sold and had the opportunity to be a crash test dummy in a test car. Zooming around the centre at 200km/h was pretty cool. We then moved onto the different countries. Epcot allows you to go around the world in one day experiencing culture, food and history from lands you might never get to visit otherwise. First we visited Mexico experiencing the brightly coloured carnival decorations and are thrown into a Mexican market filled with ponchos and sambreroas. This was my favourite as I am always a sucker for a fleamarket type vibe. From Mexico we went to China, where we decided to eat. I got suckered into another fleamarket and stood staring at the amazing architecture and the miniature terra cotta soldier display. Once finished in China we moved into a small German village where we got to experience beer and Snow White. Moving on we then visited Italy and were assaulted by a bunch of singing and dancing Italian woman in flaming red dresses and big hair. I got to stare at the Italian finery and left with more wishes then I had started. We visited Norway and travelled through time in a Viking ship. Very corny and i was left disappointed that there was no sign of Eric Northman, Truebloods Viking vampire! We then walked into the confederate soldiers reciting the anthem. I encouraged Karen to get some practice in for when she had to do it for her residency. Being that I was in America and watched enough politics on TV we moved through to Japan. Best little market area ever. The rain decided to pour so we waited in amongst Hello Kitty and Pokemon whilst having entertainers try sell us pearls in the clam. From Japan we moved on to Morocco and I was very sad to have eaten and miss out on an authentic falafel. In Chelsey’s words, “jew food.” Hypnotised by chunky turquoise jewellery and belly dancing outfits we made our way into France. Here they had many wine cellars in true French fashion. Whist walking past the characters from Beauty and the Beast we reached England. By now we were a good 7 hours into our tour and somewhat over it. I managed to glean the meaning of my surname from one of the shops – Murch – a small person??? And ran out before they could talk me into an embroidered family coat of arms, happy that I am at least part authentic pom. Lastly we dragged ourselves through Canada while some mounties performed on stage. We ended off the day by going on the Nemo ride through a huge aquarium. I found my pelican shirt! You can find Nemo, Dory and Crush but I HAVE A PELICAN whoop! I decided I wanted to go on one more ride and went on a space simulator and felt the effects of zero gravity.

Absolutely stupid tired we made our way to Black Angus (do you see a pattern here) for dinner. The first night we actually finished a meal. Clearly it took two days of wasted food to realise that if we shared a meal we would both be satisfied with little waste. We made it an early night partly because we had an early start, mostly because our bodies had pretty much stopped functioning. We only made it to our beds fuelled by our glass of cheap wine.

We got an early start to the morning, checked out of our dingy hotel and made our way to the nearest Wallmart.  I realised that I needed more underwear after the minimal packing I did to bring home optimal amounts of crap. We decided to end off Orlando by visiting Gatorland. We had reached redneck county. Gators everywhere and men in bad clothes with bad accents taught us about the different reptiles. Here you got to see exotic birds, snakes, alpacas?? Turkeys and what not among the alligators. Americans trying to get a bang for their buck as usual, petting zoo/alligator farm. Here I saw an albino alligator. Ugliest things ever. White with creepy blue eyes, definitely not something you want to snuggle up next to at night. We finished off Gatorland by a tour through the swamps that still held vestiges of damage left over from hurricane Wilma and watching the mutualistic relationship between the brids and the alligators. We were fortunate enough to see all the baby chicks that had just hatched like little bald spots sitting in the trees. Completely spent we started the 4 hour drive back home. Lunch was KFC and it was disgusting. It’s also not a KFC burger, it’s a KFC sandwich. So apparently if it’s not a beef patty on the bread, it’s a sandwich. I felt a bit like Dorothy when she realised she wasn’t in Kansas anymore when I bit into the wilted excuse for KFC.

We got back to Fort Lauderdale in the late afternoon and went to swop cars. Here I met Craig’s fiancé Chantal and his friend John who I had met when he came to South Africa. Trying to get the heat off of Karen I ended the weekend by getting rip-roaring drunk on a bottle of dry red wine with John   as she very sneakily kept swopping her and my glasses. The drive home was a somewhat blur and I fell onto my blow up mattress absolutely exhausted. First weekend in the states – tick.