OK so I admit, I have slacked off to the nth degree. And I
apologise. I really do. But I have been ill and for once I haven’t been a hypochondriac.
But that is for another blog. So, where was I? Oh yes How to be a South African
tourist in an American country...
I spent my Monday recovering from my previous nights red
wine hangover. I used America’s amazing WIFI services to its fullest potential
and spent the day conversing with my fellow South Africans whilst uploading my
photo’s so far. It was a sadly quiet day. We hit Publix (America’s PnP) and I
stocked up on amazing American junk food whilst plotting what to do with the
rest of my week. I also supplemented my clothes from Old Navy and now owned
more than one pair of jeans for my three week holiday and I got a hold of my
dear friend Bob who was working on a yacht in Fort Lauderdale and was told my
name had been put down to attend an exclusive yacht party for Saturday! Man was
I ever so keen. So I played cousin protector by trying to get the family out Tuesday
night to watch The Hunger Games so Karen could have time alone with her husband
to tell him her AMAZING news (also the reason why I was hungover) she was
pregnant! Surprise! Once she got her phone call from the doctor she raced off home
to tell Paul as she couldn’t wait til Tuesday night and I kept fort at Craig’s
house. When she got home she tried to get all the brothers at Craig’s but as
this was not working, I heard a shout of glee from her office as she got her
brother Grant on the telephone with her and Craig and told them the exciting
news! The new to be uncles were absolutely thrilled!
Tuesday I went with Karen to work and we were lucky enough
to be let off early i.e. Craig said take the day off – YAY! So I thought it
would be an amazing day to hit the Outlet mall in Weston. So let me explain the
outlet malls. Their normal shopping centres are your average value centre
Springfield type set up. In essence it sucks because you walk in a straightish
line and are in the midst of all the elements. The outlet malls are like
Pavilion or your average one story shopping centre (everything is one story in
Florida, sometimes two stories thanks to the hurricanes). So I walked in and
felt - Home. I was in my element. Like an ADHD child I flitted between the
shops not knowing where to start! I was in designer heaven. Prada, Burberry,
Michael Kors, True Religion not that I’m a snob or anything. So I walked in and
immediately spied the shoe shop. It was Payless Shoes on STEROIDS. So I had
tried on size 5 and a half shoes until the cows came home. One underestimates
how amazing half sizes are. I feel that between getting new clothes or new
shoes I would pick shoes any day, shoes ALWAYS fit! Especially when they accommodate
a size 5 foot and a size 6 foot width. Whilst I walked my feet off staring at
rows and rows of shoes all I could think about was my dear friend Margaret who
I work with. She has more shoes then anyone I know. And I just know if she had
been with me, her holiday would have been over right in that store. By now
Karen and I were starving and she had bought me to this particular mall as it
had a rainforest cafe. Let me explain this restaurant, and if it is one thing
you can do when you go to America this is an absolute must, the restaurant is
decked out like a rainforest. It in tables amidst a jungle of plants and there
are wild animals throughout the restaurant, lions and tigers and gorillas oh
my! So we were seated near the bar area which was animal seats and rain
surrounding the area. I ordered possibly my favourite meal of the trip and got
to talking to Karen discussing what I could do with my time. And this is when the
fun started in the restaurant. Every hour there was a thunderstorm and every
half hour the animals throughout the restaurant started to move and interact.
All the proceeds made at the restaurant go to the rainforest and they had a
rainforest gift shop as you walked out to boot. With my tummy full my shopping
tendencies were on high gear. And I found a perfume shop that just had the most
amazing prices. My mom scored here as I got her perfume at a 2 for $18, two
bottles of perfume cheaper than what you pay for one in South Africa. I found an
amazing clothes shop Forever 21, all the types of clothes that are the it thing
in one store at incredibly reasonable prices, given my feelings on clothes and
my distaste for anything that sits on my midriff I made the mistake of walking
into their accessory section. My wallet came out harmed as I spied the amazing
costume jewellery and trinkets the USA had to offer. But my aim for this
shopping trip was to find a new pair of vans. I finally made my way into
Converse (by now Karen was waving her white flag in defeat at my insatiable
shopping skills) and found an amazing pair of sneakers at yet again a cheaper
than what I can get it in SA price. We made our way out the mall and we had to
go and stock up on goodies for the apartment for Karen’s boss in Miami. Here I
decided to go full on American. And I discovered Hot Pockets. My life is forever
changed by these lil pastry pizza pockets of carbohydrate goodness. Next were
Pop Tarts and all the different flavours of M&Ms and Dorito chips the store
had to offer. I also got my first tub of Ben & Jerrys ice cream. Another
food item that has changed my life. We went home and I spent my Tuesday night
eating crap and ended my night by streaming Pretty Little Liars off the
internet finishing season two of one of my fav show and eating double chocolate
fudge brownie ice cream. As we noticed I didn’t go to the Hunger Games. Sad
panda.
Wednesday was a day in Miami and living the life of the rich
and famous. As the bosses daughter was arriving the next day the $7 million
penthouse apartment and $1.5 million yacht had to be prepped and ready for her
arrival. I walked around this apartment in wonder. Never had I seen such
luxury!! Every bedroom had its own bathroom, walk in closet, king size bed and
flat screen tv. The beds were kitted out in Bloomingdales finest 100% 800
thread count white Egyptian cotton linen. One pillow case retails at a whopping
$105. That would be R840. For a standard size pillow case. We went shopping in
the organic family markets and went into downtown Miami to buy fresh cut
flowers for the apartment. And I saw the most amazing male specimens my eyes
had yet to see, as the US marines stopped traffic and ran through downtown. It
totally made my day worthwhile. It also warranted some embarrassing “whoooo’s”
out my mouth followed by claps of appreciation from Karen. While Karen arranged
flowers I lounged in the huge kitchen and sat outside on their private deck
where they had their own hot tub and swimming area and bbq area whilst having
an amazing view of the marina. Whilst Patricia the house keeper prepped the
house making sure there was not one speck of dust nor one crease in the linen
Karen organised help with prepping the yacht the next day for arrival. I was
looking forward to my yacht ride through Miami in the morning. I had then
planned to get dropped at one of the many attractions in coconut grove whilst
Karen did her thing. Little did we know....
Thursday I woke up ridiculously early (or I was woken up
with coffee, probably the latter) to find out that Karen’s dayworker had bailed
at 2am. Due to a sore finger he had cut the previous day and had assured us he
would still be able to work. So with my eye on the prize (a Pandora bracelet) I
volunteered my services for the day as I did not want my cousin doing lines and
fenders in her condition – talk about the proverbial mother hen. I would earn
$15 an hour to be a glamourous maid so I was not going to complain. So the day
started off at the dockyard where we had to pay to have the boat released from
maintenance. After waiting a good hour (which I was being paid for) they
started to move the boat which was a site unto itself. The boat is lifted by a
huge crane and deposited into the water. Well that is what is supposed to
happen. However this was not the case as the hydraulics chose to snap and our yacht was stuck in the air 2 metres
away from the dock, so we now had to wait another hour for the piece of pipe
needed to get us moving again. We spent our time eating a ridiculously sweet
and gross smoothie from the Mexican cantina across the road while we waited.
EVENTUALLY we finally got into the dam yacht and I started cleaning like I had
never cleaned before. Those who know me know that my version of clean is a path
from my bed to the door however this was all about to change under the watchful
eye of my cousin. I wiped, I vacuumed, I straightened beds, I cleaned windows,
I filled fridges and cupboards. My cousin eventually banished me to the top of
the yacht to enjoy the view where I got to see dolphins swimming along our
yacht and view all the beautiful homes in Miami from lake side as well as
seeing downtown from a completely different angle. After getting an eyeful and
having the yacht conk out on us I got back to work cleaning til my back ached
and I had dust up my nose. In the midst
of this good old Bob invited me out for a drink and after a hard days work who
was I to say no!! The family arrived and that was our time to exit. Of course
we would find out as they arrive that the yacht we had spent the whole day
cleaning for people to stay on was in fact not going to have anyone stay on it.
Doh. Who was I to complain, I earned $120 for my hard work and I was going
drinking. After fighting 5pm traffic from Miami I had a quick shower and a hot
pocket and we were moving again to 17th street. Now would be the
time and I point out my love for GPS. These things are amazing!! I put in ST
Andrews ave and the GPS took us 10miles outta ft Lauderdale to Cypress Hill...
May I add that said street we were trying to get to was about 5 minutes from
where Karen lives and in the most epic kind of fail we had ended up on the
other side of town in completely the wrong direction. To add insult to injury
we had brought Bosco (the dog) with us and he was doing his nut in. After a few
calls to Bob we eventually ended up in the right place some half an hour late
and with frustration levels on high gear. So begins my first night in one of
the yachties pubs they liked to frequent – Tap42.
Tap42 is a lil pub that is filled with people and atmosphere
and is named for the 42 types of beer it has on tap. Finding Bob I met him and
the rest of his crew. This evening was the head steward Tits’, leaving party
and who was I not to celebrate with her!! I started drinking Yagerlin (sp???)
which was a delicious beer that once mixed inbetween Corona was similar to
piss, but for that night I was working it. And of course after a couple of
these someone said something about a shooter, possibly a patron and again, who
was I not to join in on the fun. As I got to know people from all over the
world making new friends and a fool of myself as I went, Bob decided I needed
to have a shooter with Tits, and it should of course be her favourite – a red
headed slut. First shooter down I was feeling groovy and what can I say,
American sizes did not disappoint. There single shooter is equivalent to 2 – 3 of
our shooters, I was in alcohol bliss. Feeling quite lubricated and in the mood
to have some fun of course I shout from the top of my lungs that it was time
for tequila and I was buying. Being that I was America I decided we had to
drink Patron. You know like in the movies, I’m cool like that. I order 6 of the
dam things and look for my newly made friends to share with. And what did I
discover, their self preservation had kicked in and they had disappeared. I won’t
point out what this cost me the only thing I will admit to is my love of the
card machines found in every nook and cranny. So I swiped and thought, I will
deal with this TOMORROW. I had 6 tequila and only 3 people, what was I going to
do! Why we would have TWO shooters each (please note 1 shooter = 2/3 shooters,
2 shooters = 4/6 shooters) and we ALL know how well I handle my tequila! Down
the hatch it went and I will be the first to admit things got hazy. I know I
found a fellow South African who was friends with a friend of mine – I know I
sent bbms to her and had no idea who the person was or what I said. Apparently
I made more friends, embarrassing myself nicely in front of a good looking Canadian
deciding it was time he learned Afrikaans and teaching this fun Aussie guy
Aaron the word “thundercunt” which he proceeded to address me as every time he
saw me. Now life was feeling a little wobbily and I told Bob that I needed food
and by golly I wanted to visit the Golden arches. Apparently we did and my last
conscious memory was of telling the lady to “supersize me” and fries, I
remember fries. This is how Thursday night seemed to end. FML.
Friday. FML. If you don’t know what FML means you now need
to stop and google it. FML. I cracked open an eye wondering where the hell I
was and that I needed to pee now! I shuffled myself to the door of my room when
I suddenly felt breezy and looked down. Holy hell where the eff were my
pants?!?!?!?! Finding pj pants was a
mission due to the fact I was still dressed in the top half of the previous
evenings outfit. I caught Karen’s eye mid bathroom walk smiled (grimaced?) and
did my thing. Bless her heart she had a cup of coffee waiting for me when I
came out. I sat down to her smiling that knowing smile at me and what would
assault my ears next would have me man down in my bed for the rest of the day
as the bits and pieces of how I got home and what I did when I got there were
told to me. I had gotten home with my pants on it seemed, in fact I crept
through the house like Jesus that Karen didn’t really even hear me come in. I had
gone to my room and then decided I needed the bathroom. For some reason
remembering that my bedroom door needed to be closed so Bosco didn’t eat my
stuff I remembered that little tip as I went to the bathroom. Apparently Paul,
Karen’s husband came home sometime around here(he works nights) and deduced
that I must have bought a man home with me as my bedroom door AND the bathroom
door were closed. Eventually Paul in need of a shower decided Karen should
check on her misbehaving cousin (i.e. me) what greeted Karen’s eyes I don’t
know. I was in the bathroom alright. I had passed out somewhere between the
toilet and bath mat and apparently Bosco had joined me in this little
endeavour. So helpful he was as apparently I chundered bright red headed slut
all over her bath mat before I passed out, and being a shitzu, Bosco had of
course eaten it. We were both worse for wear when we were found. Karen took me
to my bed and here is where I lost my pants. Deciding they needed to be off I
got them halfway down my thighs before I passed out into unconsciousness. Karen
pulled them the rest of the way off and so I woke up in my condition. The bath
mat was washed twice, and unfortunately it didn’t make it. RIP white bath mat.
I logged onto facebook, updated my status and Bosco and I passed out on my bed
to sleep off our matching hangovers. When I woke up there were many frantic messages
from my mother until my cousin had pointed out I was quite the worse for wear
and would communicate when I could function as a normal human being. When I
finally came to when Karen came home from work I had a miracle shower and wash
hair effort and got ready as Chantal, Craig’s fiancé was making us a dinner and
then we were finally going to go watch the Hunger Games. Dinner was amazing – I
still can’t get over Mac & cheese being a side – and the company was
lovely. Of course they were all tickled pink at my delicate condition and
teased me unmercifully whilst John tried to feed me wine. Once smelling it and
almost losing my dinner they took a time out and we did a fast drive up the
road to the movies. I love American movies houses! Choose your own seat, and
the people don’t talk. Karen and I loved the movie, the rest however weren’t so
keen. We went back to Craig and Chantal for Key Lime Pie and coffee and then it
was bedtime. What a day.
Saturday we woke up nice and late for a change and did a
clean around the house. Karen and Paul were having hurricane proof windows and
doors fitted so it was going to be a loud day. I decided that today would be a
good day to trawl the $1 dollar stores and I made Saturday my music mission
day, I wanted to find some good CDS to make up for the lack of good musical
taste that sometimes occurs in our CD stores. However, I did not find Empire
records much to my disgust. I did however discover Staples. I was in heaven!
They sold EVERYTHING! I went make up cray cray and was yet again in shoe
clothes and appliance heaven. I also scored some amazing CDs at half the price
I would pay for these imported beauties in SA. I also got Claudia her kindle
with as much excitement as if I were buying it for myself! We finished up
quickly and went home. Tonight was the toga party and boy was I excited –
except I couldn’t find a toga damnit! Whilst conversing with Bob about lift
arrangements I said I would get a taxi home again if he could fetch me – cue awkward
silence and finding out I had not actually taken a taxi home on Thursday night.
Whoops! Jamie rescued Bob and I in the Magic crew car and I got home thattaway.
Dressed in some of my new duds and feeling like a million bucks Bob fetched me
and off we went to the marina. Wow. It was something I had never seen before.
People everywhere dressed to the hilt in costume, a stage, DJ, live
entertainment, food, drink and all for free. Taking it easy as I was determined
to remember this night I nursed my Corona and watched as people engorged
themselves with sushi, seafood paella and a whole pig. They cooked the whole
dam thing, eyes and all and chatted to people I had met the Thursday night. I came
to the conclusion that a lot of people knew who I was and I could not remember
talking to them at all, this was not awkward. No not at all. America is pretty
strict about residential parties so it started at 7 and ended promptly at 10.
Bob took me along the yachts and we went searching for Johnny Depps yacht which
was docked at this marina. Unfortunately it wasn’t there. I had planned on
stowing away on his yacht and attacking his body in the middle of the sea but
unfortunately this would remain but a dream. No Johnny Depp kittens for me.
After the police shooed us away (and OMG they do wear those cool looking black
suits with the shiny badges and stuff) we jumped in the crew car and headed for
Tap42. Those cars are huge and fit hundreds of people in. Sadly I think there
was a bum flashing incident, and I may have temporarily blinded Bob. We got to
the real partying now, drinking beer and knocking back shooters. Tonights shooters
came in whiskey glasses and it was at least half the glass for one shot. Bob
and I did a lot of talking and reminisced as our favourite club Burn was
closing that same night and we were missing it. After a couple of shooters we
decided to sing Korn, literally the 2 lines we could remember and head bang in
the middle of the bar . After sharing a jagerbomb with Tits (garsh darn whole
whipskey glass of jager and red bull there) we hopped in taxis and headed
downtown to the clubs. $7 and some laughs later we got to Side Bar. There were
togas everywhere as everyone decided to end their night in Los Solas. Whilst
drinking, talking and socialising Nirvana comes on and that is Bob and my cue
to live out the good times, we danced so hard my neck was sore for 2 days after
that. Bob then took me up and down the road where every second
restaurant/bar/club was heaving with people having a good time. We drank, we
danced and we laughed as we walked that stretch. At 2.45am I decided it was
time to end it and Bob said we would do it the American way with a slice of
pizza. With a big smile on my face I weaved out into the road and jumped in the
first taxi I saw. I gave him my address and got comfortable. Little did I know
that this in itself would be an experience.
My taxi driver was fresh off the boat from Haiti and spoke
much French but very little English. After 10 minutes we had “arrived” where we had
arrived I have no idea as this was not the address I had given him! Now with no
GPS (where are the dam things when you need them) he chose his phone a friend
life line and this is when I realised the first bugger up. He had got the
address completely wrong. Instead of being on the South West side we were on
the South East side. My best was when he asked if I knew where we were and how
to get to my house. After chatting to a colleague and refusing me his
blackberry for google map purposes the clock was on $18. He asked how much I
had paid to get to downtown. In true Durban Indian style I told him $10 forgetting
to tell mention I had started 3 streets away. He said as he had gotten us lost
he would charge me $10 and off we set to the other side of laudie. As we got
nearby I started to recognise the roads. Unfortunately he didn’t and proceeded
to use his ask the audience life line. I told him to stop weaving out these
roads as we were close, and as per usual he did not listen. I might add he now
wanted a conversation though he could barely communicate with me. Finally using
his last 50/50 lifeline driving down 37th street for the hundredth time
we found the road and I spied the house with a shout of excitement that we had
made it I gathered my things to get going to my bed. By now the clock was on
$31 and in true Indian business man fashion I paid him only his $10. Little did
he know that that taxi ride usually cost between $20-$25. Used home tactics,
check. Bed time, double check.
I woke up late on Sunday not feeling as abused as I had
after Thursday. I spent my day on facebook, my kindle and the TV whilst
snacking on my pizza Pringles or was it cool ranch Doritos? Karen was working
on the boat that day so Paul and I chilled out and got to know each other some
more. I lived on hot pockets and he got to cooking a delicious supper. Chantal and Karen got home and we all had
dinner. Me still in my pajamas much to the ladies horror. I shared my taxi
experience and just soaked up my time with my family! I was going to miss this
as this was my last Sunday with them. Some might say this was a boring Sunday,
but after watching a movie and getting in a bit of reading time I rated that
Sunday as perfect.
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